While it is still not clear exactly what a Hellboy is, HETFET has confirmed that he (or it) has been seen in conjunction with a large number of troll sightings around the globe. Hellboy’s intention is still unknown but those that have witnessed him in action report that he is often followed by a trail of destruction. The Hellboy sightings have increased over the last month and seem to be on the rise.

We would like to thank those brave enough to call the HETFET Hotline - your eye witness accounts have made it possible for us to better understand creature migration patterns as well as this strange Hellboy phenomenon. Although the Hellboy is still at large and somewhat volatile, we have enough evidence to know that he doesn’t seem to pose a threat unless antagonized.

As far as HETFET is concerned, Hellboy is one more creature that deserves ethical treatment and fair consideration from humanity.

With the surprising conviction on multiple counts, it was clear that the jury was unwilling to accept the defense’s argument that trolls are not entitled to the same rights as people or even animals. Throughout the trial, Augustine’s Defense Attorney contended that the United States constitution does not guarantee trolls’ rights. Legal analysts, meanwhile, have already begun to speculate what this will mean to the many other companies that, like Augustine, utilize questionable techniques and other allegedly inhumane techniques to gather and extract valuable organs and fluids from these special creatures.

It seems Augustine also had a hand in illegal pixie-farming operations around the globe, designed to take advantage of recent pixie dust demand, seemingly brought about by our own government. Controversy continues to swirl around this issue but AP seems to be at the center of it, according to our very own M. Herring.

At the post-verdict press conference, State District Attorney Olan said that the defense vastly underestimated the jury’s compassion for all living creatures. “Trolls and other of these so-called mystical beings are largely misunderstood and often feared, and the fact that the jury largely ignored the defense’s attempts to vilify and demonize them showed a remarkable empathy that made me proud to say I’m a human being!” said a tearful Olan.

In a separate civil case, the company has also been accused of concealing negative side-effects of Uthyntrol, including excessive hair growth, sun sensitivity, and, in some extremely rare cases, uncontrollable attraction to shiny objects.